Assemble
by Fred-104
Summary: Avengers drabble series. Most will be humorous, but a few might be serious.
1. Fury's Head

Natasha Romanoff hated Tuesdays. Nothing seemed to go right on a Tuesday.

The Black Widow sank onto the couch in her room at Avengers Tower blissfully. She had just returned from a mission in Bangladesh, one in which she had spent the entire mission running and shooting. She needed a break.

Unfortunately for her, she was reminded that Hawkeye had the contact information for the tower when JARVIS suddenly projected his face in front of her.

"Nat," he said excitedly, "You know how I've always said that the Director's head is unnaturally shiny? Well...I caught Fury waxing his head." The Black Widow shook her head with an annoyed smirk. The archer never ran out of stories. "No, really!" He said when he saw her move to cancel his call. "His wax is called-" Natasha touched a button on the armrest and cancelled the transmission. She again allowed herself to lay back and try to rest.

"He's not kidding. I'm looking at the bottle of wax." Iron Man's voice blared over the PA. "It's called, 'Official Lavender'. Isn't that weird? It's wax, but it's called lavender." The Widow cancelled the PA to her room before Stark could continue.

Her phone began to ring. It was Steve Rogers. At least she could trust _him _to have some serious news. Reluctantly, she answered the phone.

"I don't like to admit this, but...they're right. I saw Fury spray it on his scalp. It was kind of terrifying, actually."

She exclaimed aloud as she threw her phone across the room. Then there was a knock on the door. "Bruce, I swear that if you have something to say about Fury's shiny head, I will kill you."

The genius/rage monster entered her room with his hands raised.

"Easy, Natasha. I was just asking if the guys were spamming you as much as me." Romanoff nodded unhappily, and Bruce nodded. Then, Bruce caught sight of something outside her window and stared.

Outside her window, flying, was Thor.

"Come with me, fellow Avengers!" The Asgardian boomed. "Let us discover together the head of the Bald One!" Natasha looked to Bruce, who returned it with a resigned affirmative. She sighed and walked to the window, then opened it.

"We'll meet you there." She said.

* * *

Natasha walked towards Fury's office. She had left Bruce to deal with the men at the front desk, quickly flashing her agent identification before moving through. It was sadistic, but she was in need of a pick-me-up.

She heard the footfalls of a man running toward her, and was able to identify that it was her partner before he rounded the corner.

"Nat! They told me you were here." He said with a large grin when he saw her. He grabbed one of her hands and began to pull her along as though he were an impatient child. "You have to see this. He's doing it again." He said excitedly. Despite herself, Natasha felt herself becoming excited just from being near the boyish agent that was still struggling to make her go faster.

Finally she relented and the two SHIELD agents ran toward Fury's office. Fifty yards away, Clint slowed to a walk and held a finger of his free hand to his lips in a 'shush' gesture. The Black Widow merely rolled her eyes at him. They reached the door of his office, and Hawkeye opened it a sliver.

He gestured for Natasha to look through, and after a moment's hesitation she did.

Fury was waxing his forehead.

It was hilarious.

She looked up at where Clint was peeking just above her and saw he was about to lose it. She heard a _thump_ on the other side of the office and a muffled,

"Odin's Beard!" and that was all the highly trained assassin near her could handle. Clint's shoulders started to shake and Natasha put a hand on one of his shoulders in warning.

Quiet laughter began to come from Barton, until another _thump_ sounded, and the archer began laughing extremely loudly. Then he couldn't stop. The assassin fell on the ground because he was laughing so hard.

Romanoff heard another exclamation - this one coming from Fury - and grabbed her partner by the scruff of his collar to drag him away. She made it twenty feet dragging Clint's dead weight behind her before Fury slammed into the hallway, and the two agents were immediately sprinting away from their mentor, both laughing as they ran.

They heard some gunshots, but left behind their companions. They passed Bruce at the gate and Natasha shouted,

"Run!" before they breezed by. They didn't stop running until they were ten miles away from Fury. Then they boarded a train bound for...they didn't know where, they were just on it. Anywhere but where they were would do.

It took two hours, but the two Avengers returned to Avengers Tower when they felt it was safe(and after Clint had bought some food). Inside, they found four exhausted teammates lounging in the living room.

Barton took the shopping bags Natasha had been carrying and took them to the kitchen while she went to join the rest of the team. Everyone sat silently.

"So...has everyone seen it?" Steve asked with a slightly dazed look in his eyes.

"No." Bruce said. He had been imprisoned by the agents at the front desk, interrogated by Fury, and endured a car ride with Maria Hill before he made it back to Avengers Tower. And he hadn't even seen what everyone kept saying was worth the trouble.

"Don't worry, Green Bean, I got video." Hawkeye said as he entered the room with a bag of chips. He sat down next to the armrest Natasha was sitting on and offered her some.

The silence was only punctuated by Clint's eating.

"We should do that again sometime." Tony said from where he sat. This was generally agreed upon by the team - even Bruce, once he had seen Barton's video - before they scattered to their own rooms. "I need to go fix my helmet. And my elbow joints. And...everything else. See you." Tony said before leaving.

"I need to meditate."

"I must tell Jane Foster of the adventure I experienced today."

Steve and Clint started a movie, an old John Wayne film, and both fell asleep. Natasha finished the movie, cleaned up Barton's bag of chips, and made both men leave for their own rooms to sleep in.

Natasha Romanoff hated Tuesdays. Nothing seemed to go right on a Tuesday. But sometimes, Tuesdays could be a lot of fun.


	2. Tony Gets A Cold

"Jarvis. Quarantine the lab. I'm broken. I'm dying. Don't let anyone else in here." Iron Man's hand weakly dropped from the machine he was working on as he felt his life begin to slip away.

"We're all in here already." Hawkeye said with his arms crossed and an eyebrow raised.

"And all you have is a cold." Black Widow finished.

"Nope. I'm dying. Get out of here, all of you." Tony wasn't even acting this time-he thought he was going to die. Captain America walked towards him and put his hand on Tony's shoulder.

"It's alright-"

"No!" Tony screamed and ran for the door.

"Hey." Banner said and stood in the doorway. Tony bowled over him and continued out the door.

"Did that...really just happen?" Clint asked, pointing at the door.

"I'm afraid so." Captain America replied with a sigh. Everyone eventually followed Iron Man to his room, where they stood outside.

"Tony!" Bruce yelled at the door.

"Get away! I can't fix this!" The Avengers remained silent for a moment.

"I say we leave him." Natasha said with a shrug, her motion quickly being seconded by Clint. Steve looked at them with is _Tony's freaking out and he needs our help_ stare.

"How do you do that? I haven't even _done_ anything and I feel guilty!" The archer exclaimed unhappily.

"Tony, open the-" the Captain's order was interrupted when Bruce leaned next to the console and hot-wired the door. The Avengers rushed into the room before the Iron Man had the chance to send his robot minions for them. Bruce and Clint tackled him quickly before he could make a run for the door.

"No! You're killing yourselves!" Tony yelled dramatically. The two Avengers held him down and Captain America walked toward his sick counterpart.

"Tony, you're fine. You have a flu. Nobody's going to die." He said this cautiously as he slowly stepped toward the man. Stark began to sob quietly and he sagged between the two men holding him, forcing them to bear the brunt of all his weight.

"Gack," Clint exhaled as Tony collapsed. "Lay off the cookies, Stark." Bruce discreetly stepped out from under Tony's arm and left the man in Hawkeye's care.

"What's the point?" Tears glittered in the scientist's eyes. "I'm dying already. I feel myself getting faint. I'm...I'm drifting..." Tony slumped even further down.

"Even Mean Green's been sick before." Bruce said from the side of the bed.

"Nope. Not like this. I'm _dying_."

"Can someone help me?" Hawkeye grunted. Steve threw Tony onto the bed and strapped him down with Bungee chords Natasha had retrieved.

"Jarvis, track down some cold medicine for Tony and figure out what strain of cold he has."

"Yes, sir." Jarvis answered.

"It's too late!" Tony screamed as they walked away.

An hour later Captain America returned to Stark's room with cold medicine and hot chocolate. He entered the room to find a defeated billionaire waiting for the death throes to claim him. He knew that's what he had found because Tony immediately told him so.

"Drink this." Steve offered Tony the hot chocolate. As Iron Man gulped what he was sure were to be his last taste of any sort of warm liquid, Steve quietly tucked the empty cold medicine packet behind his back so that Stark would be unaware of his "treachery". After a while of silence, Steve looked at his friend.

"You were right, Tony. You're dying. Everyone else is evacuating the building, and I'm going to join them soon. I just need you to rest here until you slip away so that we can safely dispose of your body. You're dying a hero's death." Tony nodded without responding to the captain's words and Steve stood. He turned and saluted before leaving the room. "This country owes you a large debt, Mr. Stark."

Tony eventually drifted away.

* * *

Stark emerged from his room three hours later, feeling fine. He ran joyfully toward the spacious living room the Avengers shared, eager to contact the others. He ran through his message to them in his head several times before passing the assassin pair on his way to the nearest phone.

Then Tony stopped and turned around. Clint and Natasha were sitting in the living room playing some obscure form of poker when they were supposed to have evacuated with the others. At first, the hero was touched. Then he saw the lazily disposed-of cold medicine containers sticking out of the garbage can and was confused. Then the realization dawned on him.

Clint looked up when he heard Tony stomping back toward he and Natasha and he patted her hand(which was holding yet another winning card hand)in warning of the genuise's approach.

"He lied to me?" Tony shouted. "The Capsicle, of all people, lied to me?" His tone rose in volume and pitch.

"Nat, I think it's time to bolt." Hawkeye said quietly. Looking into her eyes, he saw the confirmation. Clint stood and walked toward Tony with his hands raised.

"Tony, I just want you to know," Barton saw the Black Widow stealthily retreat toward the door and hold it open for him, "...that it was all Cap's idea."

The assassin dove over the armchair he had recently occupied and somersaulted through the doorway that Romanoff was propping open. As soon as he was on his feet, the two ran.

Fortunately for them, Stark's true target entered the room as they fled, accompanied by Bruce.

"Cap?!" Tony yelled. Steve looked up and turned tail in full retreat.

"It was for your own good!"

Tony _huff_-ed and dropped into the center of a sofa with his arms crossed sullenly. They were probably all in on the conspiracy against him.

And so they would _all_ pay.


	3. Tony's Revenge

_**Author's Note: So, I won't normally post two-chapter stories, but the cold didn't quite feel complete. So here is the completion. Also, any criticism would be helpful in writing this. Reviews are love!**_

Tony fumed in his lab. It had been a week since what the staff(JARVIS) were calling 'The Cold Incident'. The others quickly adopted the name. Not one of them knew how soon Tony's 'Incident' was going to become 'The Cold War'.

The billionaire stopped pouting long enough to look down at the blueprints he had drawn up. It was of Dr. Banner's floor. As far as Stark was concerned, Bruce was the least involved in the plot to 'cure' him of his 'dramatics'. That didn't mean he wouldn't pay, it just meant that he would pay less. And first. The hero knew that once the doctor had befallen his fate, the others would be more wary, but they wouldn't realize how bad it was going to get for them.

Now all he had to do was lay the trap.

* * *

Bruce entered his room after a long day at the lab. He was no closer to finding a cure for the Big Guy, but being able to play with Stark's toys didn't hurt. In fact, the scientist sometimes found the practice soothing.

Today, however, had been particularly taxing. He thought that he had found the cure, but it turned out to be an extremely complex and volatile molotov cocktail instead. Only Steve's shield had saved him.

Banner continued to wipe soot from his face as he left the bathroom and entered his room. He walked past something on his bed without a second glance.

The doctor passed this mystery item twice more before realizing there was something foreign about his room.

Bruce quietly resolved never to let the assassins or soldiers he surrounded himself with know about his inattentiveness. He knew that would only end in ridicule. Banner moved toward what looked like a sad, twisted little teddy bear. Bruce suddenly jumped on the stuffed creature and moved it around, waiting for it to do something dangerous. When it did nothing, Bruce sat on his bed somewhat disappointed.

Then the door to his closet burst open and one of Tony's droids blasted silly-spray all over Bruce's room.

* * *

Steve sat in the kitchen pouring over a _Futura_ magazine in an attempt to learn something about new technology. He was hopelessly out of his depth. He heard the door open with a swish and Bruce walked into the room. At least, he thought it was Bruce. It was more of a massive clump of neon-colored oily string that was comparable in size to the Hulk. Banner sat across from the captain with an audible squish. Rogers opened his mouth to comment.

"Don't." Bruce grunted. Steve hesitated, closed his mouth, and continued reading his magazine

* * *

A week had passed since Bruce had been hit with the silly-spray. During that week, Natasha had fallen into a vat of cooking oil and all of Clint's belongings had been replaced by a massive bird nest that dominated the center of his room and stores of cans of worms spread throughout the rest of it. It wasn't until two days later that the archer found several large, robotic, meat eating birds living in his nest. Steve was the only one that had been left unscathed.

That made the soldier very, _very_, nervous.

Rogers had taken up the habit of jumping at everything - shadows, loud doors, car horns. He'd tried to talk with Tony several times, but the scientist merely smiled darkly and stirred whatever drink was in his hand at the time.

Steve mulled over his current state of mind, and how he was losing it, in the kitchen. He decided that he should at least work out in the training room. Tony wouldn't risk his perfect building just to play a petty prank, he was sure.

He was fairly certain.

He thought.

Steve turned away from the training room and headed back to his own room, hoping to find solace there. Then the captain thought better of it and simply left the building altogether.

* * *

Tony cackled as he watched the flustered soldier on the camera in his lab. He leaned back and wiped a tear from one eye as he saw Steve nearly sprinting through the lobby to get out of the building.

Stark laughed even harder at the sight of Steve not waiting for a cab and merely running from the tower.

Then the genius howled at the ingenuity of Roger's punishment. Tony had been unable to think of a suitable return to what Steve had done to him, and he had found it consuming his thoughts no matter where he was. Tony was a very driven man when he decided to be. He hadn't noticed that his planning was making Steve paranoid for several days, but quickly decided that was better recompense for his crimes than any Tony could have devised. He let the captain sweat.

Tony was never happier with an evil plot.


End file.
